Skullface Is Gonna Melt Your Face

I'll use my dinner table manners.

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 22:32:14 GMT

Time seems to stand still when I'm with him.
Those nights are what I live for.
Those people are who I live for.
Things are finally falling into place for me.

The innocence of a child is impossible to replace. Faith told me the other day that when I gave her this certain expression, I looked like I was 6 years old again. That's been on my mind all day and I can't figure out why. It's been almost 10 years since I was only 6 years old. So completely unaware of what the world had instore for me. I still don't know, but I know more so now than I did back then. Back before I lost my own innocense, in every single sense you can possibly imagine. It's amazing how much can change in just 10 years. Things shouldn't be like that.

I live a different life now. 9th and 10th grade are gone, half of my time at CHS is up, and what have I done with it? I don't regret how I spent that time, but I don't regret making the decision to move past that life either. It's time to start over, a fresh beginning is exactly what I needed. It's done me well, I'm happier than I have been in over a year, and I love who I am today.

I love my friends. Jon, Spam, Jared, Ambyr, Danica, John, Savannah, Church. They're a big part of my life right now. They're who I look forward to spending time with every chance I get. No one can replace what memories I've had with each and every one of them, they're unforgettable. I full heartedly love them.

Speaking of which, Jon has completely swept me off my feet. There aren't words for it. I told him from the beginning I wanted to take things slow, but that's impossible. I'm already crazy about him, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I don't see how I could care about him anymore than I already do, but every time we get together my heart swells just a little bit bigger. On the other hand, with all these butterflies in my stomach and my heart skipping beats so often, I'm not exactly sure how healthy this is hehe. ;]

♥

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 23:29:57 GMT

They say that your home is your safe haven from the outside world.
What happens, though, when your home is the very thing that you’re trying to escape?

My Valentines Day has proven to be horrendous in every sense of the word.
The thing is, not for the same reason that most girls whine about the holiday.
Home has indeed been hell.
I have nowhere to run.
It’s impossible to escape the anguish that is brought upon me almost daily.
I don’t know what to do any longer.
I can’t hide away in my room…there is always an excuse for me to come out.
I shouldn’t complain.
My parents aren’t drunks that abuse me and my father certainly doesn’t rape me.
Why whine?
Because if I don’t express the torment that I experience, I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.
I don’t want your sympathy; I want to let this out.
I’ve been crying for the past hour or so.
Oh well.

Valentines Day really does suck ass.

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 20:11:10 GMT

What exactly is in a word?

If you look at it one way, absolutely nothing is.
But yet if you look at it another, absolutely everything is.
Why is this? Will anyone ever know?
Why do certain words bestow more importance and meaning than others that have the same main point?
For example the words pretty, lovely, beautiful, and gorgeous all have the same fundamental meaning, correct?
But why do the majority of women prefer the words beautiful and gorgeous to the others although they are all forms of saying that someone is attractive?
If you look up the definition of each of the words it’s basically the same thing for each, so why is one better than the other?
Why does the word beautiful make someone completely melt inside with joy and the word pretty does half as much?
They both mean the same, so why one over the other?

It’s kind of amazing how many people yearn to be something that they aren’t.
8 out of 10 girls spend the majority of their time wishing that someone, anyone, would find them desirable.
They look at themselves in the mirror and wish with everything inside of them to be beautiful, but who knows what beautiful really is?
What is beautiful?
Is it a fresh winter snow that envelops everything around it in purity?
Is it the birth of a child that has been longed for?
Is it that feeling that develops in your stomach when you experience your first kiss?
Is it the 120 lb model on television that makes you sick with envy?
That’s simply a matter of opinion, so who has the right to judge what is beautiful and what isn’t?
You might look at yourself and cringe, begging to become more attractive in society’s eyes, but what makes society’s opinion correct?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose.

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:56:00 GMT

christmas was different with my biological father and his family this year.
my dad listened to my song.
my dad cried.
my dad was actually proud of me.
i'm not sure if i'm actually that stupid or if i just wasn't thinking
but something felt different, it felt like our relationship changed
i felt like i meant something to him.
i thought for one minute that things would be different
that he would acknowledge my existence
and would begin contacting me more often.
i thought he would finally be a dad to me.
i came home and realized i had forgotten to give him the present i made him for christmas.
so i called him, no one answered.
two hours later he calls back saying the ringer had been turned off.
i explained about the gift and he said it was fine.
we went to hang up and i heard the all too familiar line, the one i've been told all of my life.
i'll see you in a day or two.
never has it once came true.
i realized at that moment that nothing had ever changed.

poetry

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 04:32:33 GMT

time

could time slip away much slower?
the beating of this abandoned heart is slowly suffocating this weary mind.
pathetic in the sense of useless emotion; an empty tomb forgotten and never again found.
consideration of forgiveness towards the foe that left the lingering burden?
only by the weak in mind and heart.
it grows louder as the seconds tick away oh so slowly.
busted eardrums are ringing; playing the tune of the distroyed heart as it beats ever so loudly.
almost deafening; it consumes every impulse.
every fragile strand of thought frayed into an oblivion.
crystal eyes are glistening with fear and torment
tear falls to the ground suddenly; and the beating stops completly.

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 02:46:59 GMT

Have you ever contemplated religion?
By that I mean religion in general, not any specific domination.
To be exact, have you ever thought about religious views on the afterlife?
Is what these religious folks “believe” actually a “belief”, or it simply hope that what someone told them is going to happen to them after they die is true?
Religious beliefs, in a sense, aren’t beliefs at all.
They’re hope, they’re desperate attempts at optimism so they might have some peace of mind about the thing that scares people the most.
Death is something unknown.
Perhaps you’ll disagree with me if your religion tells you different, but through my eyes it’s something no one on this earth can tell you about FOR SURE.
I’ve thought about that a lot.

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 01:13:39 GMT

Your spine is made of metal,
Your veins are bound in electric tape,
And all along an impulse lights at random in your face,
You cough up an offering and forget which words are lies,
Then your skull echoes a singeing pop, as your brain is cauterized.

Your eulogy is like poetry,
But your mouth is like a magazine.

Perhaps the lingering thoughts in my head are pointless.
Whether they are or are not, doesn’t change the fact that I’m tormented to write.
The ever-growing urge to write gnaws at me daily during school.
Though I attempt to jot notes down here and there,
the thousands of mysterious thoughts that I center on are usually evaporated into the depths of my mind by the time I get home.

Oh how unfortunate,
the thoughts that could combine and create a masterpiece are lost forever in an oblivion of false hope and suffocating integrity.

And now these rusty spokes inside my head are making such a grating sound.

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 02:10:13 GMT

hey, hey i wanna be a rockstar.

apparently, my voice has been "altered or tweaked" by a computer so that i can sing that well.
it's a contest they aren't allowed to do that.
that hurts my feelings more than anything else.

wouldn't it be wonderful to be famous?
not just because of the obvious reasons
but for the obscure ones as well.

such as you know how when people find out that you do something well
all of a sudden EVERYONE is your best friend?
that's how it was at school today.
they're fake.
if they really expect me to care about them now
after never making an attempt to really be there until they found out i can sing
they're crazy.

it's sort of a method of revenge actually, if you think of it that way.
all those that ever did you wrong in any way whatsoever
you can give them theirs once you've got it big, can't you?
because they would know that if they had been there for you they would be up there with you.
at least closer than being the low life that they started out as.

wow, i wanna be famous.

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 20:23:12 GMT

Recording went well.
I love the people there; I would love to go back if I had the chance.
Singing is my passion.
It’d be wonderful if I could do something with it.

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 22:16:32 GMT

things aren't going well here at the house.

i've felt lonely recently.
especially here at my house, but sometimes at school too.
unfortunately my best friend doesn't go to my school.
i've came to the realization that i only have three true friends.
of course i'm not saying who they are because of drama getting started
but these are the only three people that have never done me wrong.
maybe i haven't known all of them all ofmy life
maybe i just now became close to them
but whatever the case these are the three people that my loyalty lies in.
so thanks, for standing by me when the rest of the world fell down.

i record saturday. ~~i'm nervous.~~

there's only eight people in the competition so you would think that calms me down but it doesn't.
in a way a dread it.
i'm so used to not getting EVERYONE's focus that i'll be nervous when EVERYONE is staring/listening to me.

i'm absolutely terrified to get my wisdom teeth cut out December 28th ~~because needles horrify me~~.

i went for my appointment scheduleing and talked to the surgen and such.
he seemed to be in a hurry and kinda hurried me out of the room....
had other patients to see and other things to attend to.
it hurt my feelings.
i had questions for him, i wanted to be comfortable with the surgery.
but no....he had other business to attend to and wasn't in the room with me for 3 minutes.
wtf.

sol's are next week and i don't think i'm going to pass the biology one.

my teacher and i have been getting along better so far this week.
he's still so annoying i'd rather play in traffic than attend his class
BUT
at least i haven't been sent back to the office.
i'm behaving myself.
you know, not putting my ear rings in during class or anything.
i dislike him. strongly.

i can't wait for this semester to be over with.

although my hardest classes will begin in january, i'm really looking forward to the end of this semester.
i love my 4th block class, and i like my 1st and 3rd
but i l o a t h e my 2nd.
besides, i only have one class with alex and i don't have any with aimee or casey.
i feel separated from my friends, i feel like it's dragging us apart and i don't want that.
i can't let that happen to us.

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 05:26:29 GMT

i don't understand myself.
am i a bad person?
i certainly try not to be.
how does it end up i always hurt the people i love the most?
i feel like shit and i need a tissue.

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 02:09:47 GMT

wtf is up with the invasion of skanky whores lately?
wtf is up with that?
today was good. i guess.
the game, wasn't.
i'm sick of whores.
ew.
they make me sick.
i'm gonna go puke now.

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 01:38:52 GMT

Do you ever think about pointless things excessively?

Our class took a field trip today. The bus ride was at least an hour and a half both ways, and 90% of that time I was lost in my own oblivion with my iPod earbuds blaring in my ears and my mind whirring like a factory at work.

Do you ever wonder what makes the popular people popular?

You know what I’m talking about, whether you’ll admit it or not, you know the groups at your school do exist. You know those people that everyone watches when he or she walks by, obviously with envy. The ones that look at you like you don’t deserve to be in the same room as you. Yes, you do know the ones. Why are they those people? I mean why do THEY get to be those people? I don’t understand. Its not that I mind, I would rather be myself than have my head that far up my ass. But oh well. It was just on my mind.

Do you ever wonder why you’re where you are in the world?

Such as, why weren’t you born into an insanely rich family living out in the middle of Hollywood with all the bustle and buzz of fame and stardom? Or perhaps, a starving orphan in the middle of Ethiopia with no one to turn to and never knowing if you’ll eat again? Or a Russian, maybe, living up in the frigid tundra; speaking a completely different language than that of what we know. Why was we born into the families that we were? Influenced by the people that surround us? Into the small town that no one except those that live here have ever heard about? Why?

No one knows, I don’t guess.

I think too much about pointless things. You’ll have to overlook me.

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 01:56:01 GMT

life is too confusing.
and hectic.
and bothersome.

life is too stressful.
and worrysome.
and nerve racking.

life is too short.
and taken for granted.
and forgotten.

i don't want to talk about it.

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 00:38:48 GMT

My family and I are still fighting daily.
Perchance there’s no avoiding it.
I’ve come to the conclusion that until I’m able to change things myself by moving out, I’m stuck.

I’ve been so lethargic today.
I woke up at 6:30 to shower and I looked at the clock and thought to myself No, please please no….
And then instead of getting up, I pushed snooze and went back to sleep for nine more minutes.
I could have fallen asleep in the shower.
In fact, I came dangerously close.

During first block I didn’t even feel like punching numbers into the calculator.
Freeman even asked me what was up.
I didn’t know what to say so I shrugged and muttered “Just tired.”
I’m glad he noticed something was wrong.
Not that I like attention over my own sorrow,
It’s just nice to know that someone outside of a few people can notice when I’m not spiffy.
I was in a good mood to be honest.
Just felt so, so sluggish.
Pathetic much?
Perhaps I’m being too hard on myself.
It isn’t pathetic of me, its no wonder.

During second block I sat in silence and listened to my iPod the majority of the time.
Alex and Teai listened to Teai’s and I felt rather alone.
Not that I was complaining, I enjoy time to myself when I can get it.
I just felt like an outcast I guess.
I felt like I was in a world by myself.
I felt like I was at home again.
Thank god I had my music.

Coming home is my least favorite part of the day but yet the best at the same time.
School is wonderful.
Being out of the house and away from all the nonsense that goes on is such a stress reliever.
The tension built up in my house is unbelievable.
Lets not get into that though.

-Yawns.
Myspace is like a drug. Its taken me away from this place for too long.
I miss it here.

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 16:48:04 GMT

As unfortunate as ones situation might be there is always hope, correct? Although the tremendous burdens that one might be troubled with might seem as if they are unending, happiness will be obtained, true? It’s hard watching others fight their own battles when you wish with all of your might that you could do it for them. It does break my heart seeing others suffer, particularly one, when you desire to put all the pain on yourself instead.

Things have been no less than interesting as of late; the relationship between my parents and I haven’t improved any and I believe I’m finally used to that. It’s taken long enough that’s for sure. I want out, I’d do anything and everything to get out; I hate it here.

Its apparent that the future is delicate in many different ways but what, I dare say, makes it so? It isn’t the obvious because that would be too evident and therefore avoided by all those with the least bit of intelligence. Mistakes are made daily. We as humans learn and progress from the blunders that we go through every day. The question is are we actually learning from them? The next day we make mistakes again, whether it’s the same ones or completely different ones, it happens. It’s apparently unavoidable and endless.

I had more on my mind but I’m losing it because I now have company. Oh well.

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 03:54:27 GMT

I find it somewhat astonishing how the events of one night can impact a person’s life so much. Last night I realized how fragile life and death is…how easy it is to forget that you really aren’t going to live forever and that one day it’s all going to come crashing to an end. Of course I realized these things many years ago, but last night when I witnessed it with my own eyes, I suppose it just struck me a lot harder because I was able to comprehend first hand.

I have to admit; I’ve never experienced anything halfway similar to the situation I was put in last night. The movies and television are nothing like reality. The heartbreak and devastation is so much more apparent when your observing it in person and its not scripted. No actor or actress could ever pull of the raw emotion that you dig out from deep, deep inside of you when you really honestly mean it. It’s impossible to fake what I saw last night; it’s just not possible.

Although a lot of people would be absolutely hysterical if they had witnessed someone pass away, I have to confess that I find it more of an honor than a horror. My mamaw stood by my mother as she gave birth to me. She was one of the first people to ever lay eyes on me or hold me. Honestly, I didn’t get to spend as much time with her as I would have loved to, but I know that my mamaw loved me with all of heart and I loved her as much as well. Instead of saying “Oh my god, I wish I hadn’t been in the room when it happened…” I’ll gladly tell you that yes, I was by her side touching her arm when she passed away, and I wouldn’t change that for the world. My mamaw saw me brought into this world, so I saw my mamaw leave it.

Also, the innocence of a child caught my eye last night. I was amazed in fact, to watch two little boys that couldn’t be over 7 years old playing in the living room floor as everyone around them bawled. As I sat on the couch with my stepsister Ashley and watched them play, it was as if they were in a house by themselves and I was peeping through the window. They were attempting to build a rainbow for some type of board game and they were giggling and carrying on. It was obvious they didn’t understand anything that was going on. They were so innocent to all the bad things in the world, all the death and hatred and sickness and pain that people go through every day of their lives; they really didn’t have a clue of what their mamaw was going through. At one point the oldest boy’s face lit up as he stated “Come on Dawson, let’s go see if Mamaw has went to heaven yet!” I couldn’t help but giggle slightly at his remark because they thought that she would just ascend into heaven before everyone’s eyes. Yes, the innocence of a child is truly one of a kind.

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 15:29:31 GMT

Something tells me by the end of the week my whole family will have been sick. I was woken up abruptly by Faith at 9:15 this morning. She busts through my door and stands in its entrance staring at me, so I roll over and look at her and sigh an exhausted, “Yes?” Then she explains to me that Gracie had just puked in the living room, and unfortunately for myself, some of it just happened to land on the homework I had printed out last night. Yeah, the homework I spent like 4 hours working on last night. Great job kiddo. I suppose I can’t blame it all on the child because last night dad decided to sleep on the couch at about 12:15. That wouldn’t have been a problem if I hadn’t had my World History II binder and my homework lying there. So of course, considering he was in a horrible mood, he was huffing and puffing and throwing a nice little temper tantrum and in the midst of this fit, he picked up all of my things off of the couch and threw them into the floor. That, my friends, is how the puke landed on my homework, because dad scattered it across the floor in the middle of the night. That means I’ll be on here that much longer today. Joy.

I find it sort of peculiar, how although for a short period of time my mother and I had almost stopped fighting completely, then just a few days ago everything picked back up again. It’s been hell at home once again. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING that goes on has to be at least partially my fault. It doesn’t matter what went down or who was involved, I’m always part of the problem. I’d rather be invisible the majority of the time that I spend at my house. My room has become my hideaway from all the nonsense that carries on every single evening. I pass the time by doodling and singing, occasionally reading one of the books that I’ve read 3 times before and sometimes I venture out long enough to grab the phone off of the hook and call Alex. It’s always nice to have someone to talk to when you feel lonely. The computer has also been a huge help, especially since I’ve been ungrounded. Taking into account the fact that my best friend and I are able to talk on the computer pretty easily gives me the urge to get on more often than I do, but If I did it’d be downright unhealthy. I’m on here too much to be honest, but what else do I have to do with my time?

My birthday is drawing near, and while I try not to get my hopes up about my father calling, its always in the back of mind. I could careless if he got me a gift, even though it would be nice, I would just be pleased with the fact that he acknowledged that it’s my birthday. I expect him to give me the “I’ll call you in a day or two” business like every other time he contacts me, but I finally convinced myself that he’s never being honest with me when he tells me that and it no longer lets me down as much when its another year before I hear from him.

Friendship is confusing at this point to be quite honest. The question “Who are my true friends?” has arose a lot recently and I can’t help but wonder who actually are. High school only ruins friendships if you allow it to, but what if you do allow it to? I can look back and I’m amazed at the friends I had in 7th and 8th grade because at least 50% of them are gone already and we’re just in 10th grade. I’ve kept particular ones close to me, but what happens when the ones that I’ve strived so hard to never lose are gone? Sure I’ve made new friends throughout my high school career thus far, but none are anywhere as close to me as my former friends that remain by my side to this day. I’m afraid, to be straightforward, that I might end up without them eventually. On the plus side, I know there’s one person that that won’t happen to. =)

I’m curious as to what makes a person achieve their dreams. Is it merely because of the will power of that particular person that drives them to the point where everything that they have ever wanted has been attained? Is it the condemning of that certain person’s peers that impels that person to go so far? Or is it simply luck and good fortune that allows that person to live the life that they have always dreamed? Perhaps it is a mixture of all of those that assist in accomplishing their dreams, or perhaps I simply think too much into things.

I’ve got a lot on my mind right now and I’m attempting to finish my homework. I’ll update again later.

first

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 23:33:04 GMT

it's hard for me to believe how long its been since i've used live journal.
i used to depend on it to get me throughout the day; it was like if i didn't spill my guts to someone, anyone, i would go insane. ah then myspace stepped in and everything else on the lovely internet poofed.

things have changed, people have changed, i have changed. so much has went on that i couldn't even begin to tell you how i've changed as a whole. let's not get into it all though, kay? thanks.

last night was fantastic. the dance pretty much kicked ass and i can't wait until the next one. it was so hot in that room that the poles were dripping water. oh yeah, thats hot. my legs are killing me, my feet are sore, and the ass of my pants are ripped in multiple places. it was a pretty wild night and i enjoyed it a lot.

school is going very well surprisingly. i expected my grades to slip majorily this semester since so much has been going on recently but i'm confident i should have all A's on my progress report that i'll get on the 27.

my birthday is coming closer pretty quickly, just seven more days. i'm curious as to if my father plans to contact me. he'll most likely call a day or two after and promise to get me a gift like always. i'm not complaining, he normally gives me 50 bucks for christmas when he doesn't get me a birthday gift.

i expect my next update will be more heartfelt, i'm in a rush as of now.